Substitute
by Ebil Chameleon
Summary: They weren't what they each really wanted. They were something...it was just a hard thing to comprehend. But at the same time, it was the truth. Oneshot.


**This ended up coming in a popping into my head as I was listening to the piano version of FFVII's main theme and Eyes on Me (piano) of FFVIII (both very recommended to the avid FF fan!). It's not the happiest, I'm sorry, and very angsty (something I am well known for) and just a play on words and an author's thoughts and creative expression. **

**Disclaimer: It's mainly just FF characters, none of which belong to me, yes, the pain, I know. **

**Please enjoy, happy reading, the usual! Send in your thoughts, make this authorette happy!**

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It was the same. Always the same. He always woke up the next morning with the same feelings, the same thoughts, the same lower back pain. When will this end, he would think and not know if his own thoughts pertained to the ongoing nightly flings he was having with the same man or to the clenching pain he felt in his chest that would eat him alive for the entire day.

This was no way to live. For either of them, it was just unfair. But there was no getting around it. Their actions were a mild distraction, a reliever of frustration and pain and everything they would keep bottled up, refusing to speak to other people about it. They used each other, but he didn't want to think about it that way. He cared for his lover (however much it pained him to refer to him by that term, he only had one lover in his head). But this wasn't what he wanted. He could only wish, truly wish with everything that he had that they could have met in some other life. That they could be happy together, be in the love the way they were supposed to be. Instead, here they were with thoughts of two different people, one lost in some other world, the other gone completely from this life.

It hurt. At times his façade would crack, if only mildly and only a person with good intuition would be able to see just what he was feeling. There was one person, and lucky him. She shared his feelings, though in a slightly different fashion. Her heart belonging to the same person that his was entrusted to, pairing them off from the start. But the other, the one he was confiding in, he had no one who knew of his feelings, no one who had been with him through his worst times here with him at the present moment. Only strangers he had come to know, come to care for. It wasn't enough. No words could forge any true meaning to him since no one understood just what he had seen in his days.

The blonde and the brunette, two lost souls, both of who had lost one of the most precious people to them. They confided in each other, sought out temporary comfort and a means to just get by. There was a word for what they were to each other, a noun that was painful to think about but true all the while. There was no way around it, no beating around the bush. The word was blunt and to the point, searing them both with a brand mark. Some days he could swear he felt the intense heat of the brand being placed upon him, feel the devastating pain of the 'S' that would label him for what he was.

A substitute.

It hurt when he first realized this, then he felt almost contented, a strange comforting feeling now that he was able to come to terms with what they were. His mind would rest, finally, though not as much as he would like. He wouldn't have to ponder day after day anymore, no more second guessing. Still, it didn't ease the fact that it felt like they were just using each other. Again he was wishing for something. Wishing that they could just be together with nothing bothering them anymore, no troubling past conflicts to prevent them from being happy. He used to be happy. He was sure his current lover used to be happy. He forgot though, what that feeling was like.

And thinking about wondering if the brunette used to be happy, this made him come around to a conclusion he had drawn a while before. They both knew about each other, had a vague intake of what their pasts really consisted of. But they didn't know each other well. The fuzzy outlining was nothing in comparison to fully getting a good viewpoint, to really drinking in the life that was led previous to the life they were leading now. It was human nature to be curious, though he felt less than human because of his own past events.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he looked behind him to where the brunette was still sleeping, sheet pushed down to the waist. He was naked beneath that blanket and above with nothing on but his Griever pendent necklace. He turned his bright blue eyes, holding his hand out before him and frowning at it, his golden brows knit together. Mako. It was flowing inside of him, boosting all senses and abilities, making him super human and unnatural. The sleeping beauty behind him, matching and surpassing him in all areas of battle, had nothing foreign inside him. He fought with the pure strength and skill he had obtained during his life in Balamb.

This fact had him hating himself, hating the ones who did this to him. ShinRa and SOLDIER, just what did they stand and fight for? How many people had questioned this and never lived to hear the answer? Too many, some of whom he had grown to meet, come to admire and care for, fallen in love with. That dreaded feeling washed over him, the familiar feel of hatred and longing and disappointment and need and desire. It was all pouring out and making him want to cry. He'd grown from the stage of being easily broken down by his emotions and it was harder to cry now a days. Instead a rush of mako invaded his eyes and they glowed, unknowingly to him. This was the alternative for refusing to cry, the emotions building and the vile substance within him reacting, flowing faster.

"Cloud."

His name was whispered in a tired tone of voice. He stiffened, wishing that Leon would just go back to sleep so he could dress and leave in peace. He didn't want to hear it today, didn't want those words to be uttered as they held little meaning. They were just a cover up, helping them both avoid talking things out and coming to a true understanding. It was just impossible for the two of them to suck it all up and just talk, to try and comprehend what it was that they were doing to each other, for each other, for themselves.

"I'm sorry."

No you're not, he wanted to say to cut those words off. That was all Leon could offer each morning. It wasn't good enough to satisfy him forever, but it was enough to keep on being elusive to what they really needed. It was just a cover up, nothing more. It wasn't an offering of sincere apology. Leon wasn't the type to easily apologize for much, instead taking to clamming up and brooding. He did that as well. It was just so confusing, not knowing if there actually was a meaning behind those words or not, no clear definition of what he was sorry for. Sorry for screwing you ever night just to find some cracked up peace? Sorry that we both have to suffer, that we can't be what we need for each other? Sorry for everything that has happened to you? What?

"You're not sorry," Cloud said. It felt good, finally being able to tell him what he was thinking. Normally after Leon said those words, he would just get up, get dressed, and leave, acting like what was said was accepted and they would move on without second thoughts.

Leon sighed, long and loud, and ran his hands over his face. He glanced up at Cloud's bare back, a sight he was used to seeing on some mornings. Most of the time the other side of the bed would be empty and Cloud would already be down in the kitchen, most of the time beating Aerith to the coffee pot. There was a feeling in the air, a bit suffocating. He had learned that this was the type of feeling that wafted around when Cloud was thinking. And the feel was heavy, so he must have a lot on his mind. It was a frustrating thing at first since Leon wasn't the type to feel the need to known about another's personal business and what was on their mind. But since he was near positive that the thoughts involved him, he had some privy to being let on about them.

"You can't be certain that I'm not sorry, can you? You aren't a mind reader. I'm not either, so I don't know what's going on in that head of yours." It was an open invitation to talking without being direct and up front. That was Leon's style; hinting to things he felt responsible for, blunt with his own opinions.

As expected, Cloud didn't talk right away. "Do you know what we are, Leon?" he asked innocently. He chose to stare down at his hands, curl his fingers into his palm, and then stretch them out again. He could feel his legs tense with an odd feeling of wanting to move and this made him think of a certain someone who would always perform his squats when feelings restless.

Leon ended up shaking his head after hearing the question. He had no answer to that and was unsure of what to say for a moment. Their breathing filled the silence. "What are you thinking?"

Was it not obvious? "You should know."

And Leon did know. "You're thinking of him. I get that much, but what about? Cloud, what do you think we are?"

It was Cloud's turn to shake his head and he had the sensation of being choked up by his feelings. He beat it down, it was uncomfortable and unwanted. He had the answer but he didn't want to just give it away. He'd give the easiest hint. "You're not him, Leon." Very straight forward.

"I understand that."

"I'm not the person you want either."

It was simpler to say than Cloud thought it would be. He waited for an answer, now staring at the closed door directly in front of him.

"Maybe not," was all Leon offered. And it didn't hurt nearly as much, though there was a stabbing at his heart. Had he not come to this conclusion earlier, it probably would have been a harsher blow. Leon continued on, uncharacteristically saying, "But that doesn't mean I don't care for you in a way other than friends."

He understood perfectly since he felt the same way. It was just that the feelings weren't strong enough, didn't hold a flare in comparison to the person he truly loved. Again, this was all just substitution to what he couldn't have. Now he was wondering if all of this lost thought was worth the nightly meetings.

"Perhaps we're just using each other. What if what we feel isn't real, it's what we want to feel instead, or misdirected emotions."

Cloud mumbled this quietly and bowed his head to the floor. He wasn't able to conjure an image of what Leon's expression may look like, but he would see it soon enough.

"Cloud, look at me."

He hesitated at first, then slowly he turned, completely nude and exposed for Leon. He wasn't uncomfortable, not in the least. Leon observed his face, looking him over for any show of what was on the blonde's mind. His eyes stopped when they connected with Cloud's. "They're glowing," he said softly.

Cloud blinked, keeping his eyes closed a fraction longer than normal then reopened them. "It's the-"

"Mako," Leon finished for him. Cloud's mask slipped and look of surprise appeared on his face. "Aerith. It's not the first time your eyes have glowed and I asked her about it. She said she was shocked too, when she first saw…his eyes." It was unnerving mentioning the other man, almost like speaking about it was taboo. "She told me it was mako, but I never understood what the stuff was."

"Nothing good," Cloud remarked. A killer, if given in a high enough doses. A substance based off of deception, administered by a doctor worthy of gutting by any sword. "Just a means of creating the perfect fighter."

Leon said no more, knowing that mako was a mystery he was fine staying out of.

"His eyes seemed to glow all the time," Cloud said to the room, more than to just Leon himself. "I think it was because he just seemed to be so happy and good spirited to the very end."

There was no room for Leon to speak, no right words he could say.

"I think he was happy when we went, happy that I was there with him. I hope he was."

Cloud turned around so his back was facing Leon once more. He didn't want his face to be read, didn't want what he was feeling to be known. His chest was tightening painfully and the urge to cry was becoming too much.

"Must have been hard," Leon said. It was all he could offer.

Cloud inclined his head so slightly it was barely noticeable. "And you? You had to fight against him, didn't you? I can't imagine being forced to fight with the intent to kill the one I love." The following silence weighed on them both and drilled their thoughts into them hard, really made them think about the talk that was happening. "He's still alive," Cloud said then, point blank.

Leon sank down into the bed further. "Yeah, he is."

Why, Cloud asked in his head. Why are you here, with people who had been through so much together, but not with you? It made no sense. Leon should be out there, finding him and being with him and not being with a second rate substitute. "I don't understand why you're here. Why aren't you out there with him?" He just couldn't get a grasp of it all. He was wasting so much by sticking around here, brooding and wishing for something that he could easily have. "You were together with him once, who says he isn't waiting for you?" He was getting worked up over this because the more he thought about it, the more frustrating it was. Leon had what Cloud didn't and he was letting time slip by. "Take it from me, someone who's lost it all for good." His tone was dead serious now. "Don't let it slip away. Don't distract yourself with a substitute for someone you really love. He's still here, alive and waiting. We can both join the two that are waiting for us; it's just a bit easier for you. There's nothing here for you Leon, he's not here, he's out there. I'm just not understanding why you aren't out there with him."

With those words, Cloud finally stood up off the bed, knowing well enough that Leon had nothing to say. He was going to let him think about what he said and hopefully the brunette would come to his senses.

They didn't talk to each other the rest of the day. Everyone else seemed to have picked up on the tension in the air and had left the two alone. It was like they were deliberately ignoring each other, though they weren't. And finally the night had come and Cloud found himself in his usual place in Leon's bed, their clothes shed and the temperature heightened. Cloud noticed that tonight, Leon seemed to be taking things slow, drawing out all his movements and actions, trying to deliver the ultimate pleasure to Cloud.

Thrown into the heat of passion, Cloud understood and did his best to do the same for Leon. He gave him his all, something previously reserved for another. The feeling of loss was strong but it fit, it was what they were destined for, what was going to happened all along.

It was like nothing before, a final closure between the two.

It was a natural thing that Cloud wake first the morning after. So it should have been surprising that Cloud woke up with the bed next to him completely empty. He wasn't surprised though, instead feeling better than normal. It was a bit disheartening seeing Leon's spot beside him empty.

He got up slowly, still feeling the after effects of the night before, and dressed before going downstairs to the kitchen. There he found one person standing at the kitchen counter, preparing some sort of batter. He walked up beside her and grabbed the coffee pot and a mug. "Leon left."

Aerith, stirring the batter in a glass bowl, nodded her head. "He left earlier this morning. The only thing he said was that he was going to look for someone. You're actually late waking up." She stopped stirring and turned her head to glance at the blonde, feeling that something was wrong. "Did something happen between the two of you?"

Cloud shook his head, setting his coffee on the countertop after a sip. "Just an understanding."

She let it go, knowing not to push anything with Cloud. Still, she felt a need to worry.

Standing at the counter for just a few more moments Cloud straightened up. "I'm going to train," he said. Within minutes he had retrieved his sword from his room and came back down the stairs. He headed for the door but was stopped by Aerith's voice.

"Leon's not coming back, is he?" she asked.

Hand propped on the doorknob, Cloud twisted it slowly. "No."

She still felt like there was something amiss. Something just wasn't settling right with her. "Cloud, where are you really going?"

He stopped short, the door now open. He took a deep breath. "I'm going to find someone."

And he shut the door gently behind him.

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**How was it? Good, I hope. This was just a random thing I wanted to get out of the way so I could focus on finishing my AkuRoku oneshot that I'm preparing for AkuRoku day. Comments are welcome, criticism too (but be nice about it :D)**


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